


point blank range

by softlyspoken



Series: so tell me how long, love, before you go [4]
Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 13:57:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20761475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyspoken/pseuds/softlyspoken
Summary: Robert is forced to deal with a particular way a future could be like when he sees Aaron talking with another man





	point blank range

The village hall isn’t the best place to be on a cold autumn day but Robert is gagging for a pint and although the silly heaters Charity thinks she’s forked out for hardly ever then on, it’s better than Brenda’s cocktail nights. 

He’s getting his phone out to message Aaron when he runs into Lydia asking about what works best on wooden flooring considering. He’s dumb struck into replying something until she’s out of sight and he can practically taste the pint he’s gagging for.

When he turns the corner into the hall, he’s met with Charity telling Bear to get his paws off the crisps, Faith with her hand in the till and Chas cleaning glasses and complaining about her back. There’s that, and there’s also Aaron in the corner of the room talking to someone Robert doesn’t recognise at all.

He’s sipping a pint, phone forgotten turned over on the table and the man leaning in and talking to him. He stops still because of it, there’s a drumming dead in his head and a noise falling around him and a thud. The next thing he knows Faith is squeezing his arm and asking if he wants a pint.

He nods out a reply, a slow unsteady one before he watches Aaron laugh at something the guy’s said. He wipes at his eyes a little and then the guy takes a hand to his neck to yank off his scarf, gets more comfortable. 

There’s just something about him; a kind smile, swept black hair and a navy coat which hangs neatly on the back of his chair. He looks nice. He look like he could make Aaron happy.

Robert stands still, a shortness of breath hitting him in a wave and then another wave and then a fail swoop that gets him backed up in the corner of the room. He’s got his hands plastered on his knees and then there’s the scrapping of chairs and Paddy’s hand stretched out over his back. 

“In. Out.” He’s hearing, but it’s hard, it’s so _hard_ and he can’t catch up with it at all. 

“It’s me. Rob. It’s me.” Aaron says, he blinks with big blue eyes and they’re filled with water before Robert can tell him to not get upset. “You can breathe for me can’t ya?” He whispers. “Can’t ya?”

He can. He _can_.

It takes a few more minutes, Chas shrieking at the forming crowd to get lost and Aaron squeezing his hand but he gets there. He manages to sit down a few minutes later, a scotch poured for him and a wobble to his hand as he looks at Aaron.

“What happened?” He’s asking, it’s a normal question, it’s one that Robert should be able to answer but he almost can’t. The words stick firmly at the back of his throat and he only manages to open his mouth when the man with Aaron is by his shoulder.

“I should be getting off.” His says, he sounds like he’s from London. It makes Robert straighten up in his chair for some reason. “I don’t want to take up anymore of ...”

Aaron looks up at him and sighs. “Look I’m really sorry.” He says. “Can we re-arrange? I have to be here.” He says, determined as he holds at Robert’s hand.

“I’ll check when I’m back up here and let you know.” He says. He looks at Robert for the smallest of seconds and then smiles awkwardly at Aaron before leaving. 

Aaron rubs small circles into Robert’s hand until he looks up at him, says, “Home.” He mumbles. “Can we just go home?”

So they do. Aaron makes Robert a milky tea and offers him some biscuits before sitting next to him and sighing.

“I know what that was.” Aaron says gently. “Because I’ve had them before, not for ages but ...” Robert looks up at him. “It was a panic attack.” 

“Felt horrible.” Robert sighs. “Like I was —“

“Dying. Yeah.” Aaron scratches the side of his head. “But it’s alright. You’re fine.” He sighs and leans back on his chair. “Don’t know what could have caused it. I didn’t even see you, just heard everyone coming to help.”

“Yeah.” Robert blinks slowly. “I ... I uh ...”

“What ... did anything _happen_?” Aaron says, he leans over and frowns. “Robert?” Only Robert can’t even look at him, he feels so _stupid_ and he’d rather forget all about it but he can’t. It’s there, it’s in his mind every time he tries to think of something else. “Rob?”

Robert looks up. “Saw you. Sitting at the table, with that guy.”

Aaron almost laughs, he rolls his eyes, tells Robert to behave. “He was just a client, well he could have been. He’s a friend of a friend from London. I was just trying to —“

Robert shakes his head. “It wasn’t — I know.” He did, deep down. He didn’t think his husband was really sitting with a bloke and chatting him up. But.

“Well, why did ...”

“Because of what it could have been!” Aaron’s face is a picture, he’s confused and has a heavy frown on his face that doesn’t seem to budge despite the silence. “Because ... the thought of you with someone else ... it’s something I have to expect. I know. I know it.” He’s almost talking to himself, it makes it easier than seeing Aaron’s reaction.

He’s mouth is wide open, there’s tears in his eyes and his face is reddening by the second. “How could you —“

“Think that? Because I’m scared.” Robert says. “I’m scared and _selfish_ and the thought of you with someone else like that makes me feel sick but ...”

“Well then stop saying _but_.” Aaron shudders, he’s almost hissing but he fights back something and starts wiping at his eyes furiously. “There is no _buts_. We’re married. I meant those vows, _both_ times.”

Robert sniffs gently. “For better or worse.” He says sadly, a shake to his breath as he looks up towards Aaron. “I’m leaving you.”

“Don’t — don’t say it like that.” Aaron’s shaking his head, he keeps shaking it and there’s something so heartbreaking about it that Robert has to look away. “It ain’t like that.”

“I wouldn’t blame you.” Robert says, he suddenly wants Aaron to know, to really _know_. “Because I know you’d hate yourself, you’d deny yourself —“

“Second best? I’d deny myself second best ‘cause it’s _you_ I want.” Aaron says, he shakes his head. “It’s you.” His voice nearly breaks and Aaron scoots closer to hold Robert’s face.

“I’m just scared.”

“Of prison, of missing out on things but _not_ me ... not ...”

“Loving me? It happens. Aaron, couples fall out of love when they _live_ together. How do we stand —“

Aaron closes his eyes around everything he’s saying and shakes his head gently. “Because it’s you. It’s me. We’ve got through worse ain’t we?” 

Robert nods his head gently. He wants to believe, he _does_. But. “You’ve moved on before.”

Aaron stills. “If you call it that.” He sighs, shudders slightly. “It didn’t compare.” 

Robert breathes in tightly. “It’s not about comparing Aaron. It’s about you being happy ... someone making you laugh, feel loved. You can’t deny yourself that.” 

Aaron bites his lip. “I’d always be thinking of you, measuring him up against you.” They’ve been down this road before, the long windy one where Robert curls up into this ball of sadness and doubt. “Nothing would, no one would.” He pushes the words out and Robert feels him hold at his hand again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just ... just know I’m always going to love you.” Aaron says it these days like it’s nothing at all, like it’s the easiest thing to do in the whole world. “Always. I can’t help it.” 

Robert offers him a watery smile, and then he brings his face towards Aaron’s chest. He breathes, he allows himself to take a minute and _breathe_. 

“I love you. I love you so much.” Robert says, he curls his hand around Aaron’s top and sighs. “And I’m so sorry for all of this.”

“You crying like a big girl.” 

Robert looks up at him. “Says you.” He smiles, leans a little closer and gives Aaron a small kiss. 

It says sorry, it says he can’t bare the thought of losing him. 

Aaron seems to understand, swoops a hand and ruffles it gently in to Robert’s hair. “I love you too.” 

The rest stay quiet for now. 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought if you have the time


End file.
